Food log today

6 oz milk at 7 am. Puked 2 oz immediately after that

4 oz mango, blueberry, kefir smoothie at 8:30 am

4 oz milk with cashew, almond and oats powder at 10 am

4-5 oz same smoothie at 12:30 am. Puked after gagging on a tiny piece of oreo almost all or 75% of it at 1:30 pm

6-7 oz milk with oatmeal cereal mixed at 2 pm.

4 oz smoothie at 6 pm

4 oz chicken, lentils, zuccini n yoghurt puree at 8:30 pm.

Some updates

Anya said 'nahana' (more like 'naha' and 'nana') meaning to take bath in hindi everything she went to the bathroom and saw water bucket or when Atul turned on the water. She started saying this yesterday and knew what it means.

She was not much interested n animals in the Zoo. I guess she will in cople of months.

Zoo again

I am tired so will keep this short. We (me n Anya) went to the Zoo again with Anya's friend Shyama and Preethi. I found them through madindians website for Indians in Madison. Shyama is 4 months lder than Anya. Anya really loved the carousel and didn't want to get up from there. Shyama was scared though but she did better the second time. We had fun except that Anya didn't eat anything the whole time. Not a good day today in terms of eating. I hope tomorrow will be better.

I am thinking of adding heavy whipping cream to anyas milk to increase the calorie intake. I have also started adding almond, cashew and roasted oatmeal powder to her milk once. I hope she gains weight or atleast follows the curve.

As for me, I eat a lot. I am gaining weght and I am not able to control my hunger or my cravings. Good we cleaned the house a little bit. I hope tomorrow will be better and we will go to gym.I am still not sure if we should send Anya to daycare now. It's expensive. We'll see.

Zoo day today

I didn't cry or got mad at Anya so that was better. However things are bad. Feeding Anya is mental and physical struggle these days. This is what she ate toay-

- 6 oz milk in morning
- 6 oz milk with oatmeals, almond butter and prunes smoothie
- 7 oz milk with oatmeals, almond butter and prunes smoothie 
- 4 oz chicken, rice and veg puree, 1 oz apple sauce, 1 oz juice
- 2 oz chicken, rice and veg puree, 2 oz mango kefir smoothie
- 5 oz milk with egg yellow


Not enough but at least she won't lose weight. 


The highlight of the day was going to the Henry Villas Zoo. She enjoyed the outing.


As for me, my eating issues continue. I eat junk once Anya sleeps. I relax by watching tv and eating sweet garbage. How disgusting...

Not a good day

Anya had 4 ounces of milk in the morning and nothing till noon after that. In between I tried to feed her and she refused after taking 2 oz of smoothie which she puked when I was trying to feed you more. I struggled for an hour, played songs for ou on tv, gave her new toys...nothing worked. It is getting harder and harder eah day. I cried. I cried a lot today as it was too much. I cannot watch you stay hungry. I end up eating junk food (read sugar) after that. I gave ou a bath and massage. Mixed smoothie with milk and tried to feed her when she slept but she didn't drink anything. Usually you will have 6-7 oz when sleeping. I kept trying when you were sleeping too. The whole day just flew by trying to make you eat something. At lunch you had about 4 oz of rice/chicken/dal puree and I felt a little better. Then ou slept again at 2 and finally had 7 oz of milk smoothie. After you got up, you had 3 oz of yoghurt at 4:30 pm and then 7 oz of milk with egg yellow at night. You didn't eat much at dinner. Although i let you yry o feed yourself today and you played with the food.

We went to visit daycare today and I think we will start sending you there for half day. You liked it there today. I hope you will enjoy there and hopefully I will do something constructive. We are hoping that change of environment may improve your eating. Maybe you will learn something there. It is expensive hough. $200 per week for half day.


And I want o tell you that you are such an adorable kid. I think you were saying 'nahana' (or trying to say this word) when you went o bathroom coz ou wanted me to give you a bathe. How smart are you? You make me wonder every day and fill my heart with awe at everything you do. Love you.

You are over an year now

Anya is over an year now, 13.5 months actually. Things have been so busy that I didn't get chance to update anything. I have stopped working since December 31st and I am home with her fulltime. It has been great and exhausting at the same time. The feeding issues coninue. It's a constant struggle. Some days are better than the others. But I constantly worry about you not eating enough. This is the only thought that occupies my day. I hope you get better. I hope you start to enjoy eating. I will try to update this more often. I don't want to forget the wonderful little things that you do everyday. Highlights for today -

- you were crying and refusing to eat the whole day today. My whole day went trying to get something into you.:(.
- you undertand a lot more than you can say. You can say ball...which sounds more like 'bah'....adorable.
- I love to see uou strutting around the house in your onesie...it melts my heart to think that you will soon be out of this phase.
- you can point to your ears, head, nose, toes, tummy. You know what is paani. You bring the baby doll when I ask you to.
- you can say bye and many more words when you feel like it.
- you dance(try to) adorably to itsy bitsy and when i say 'Anya Danci'.
- I love you more than anything else in this world and I know what this means now.

Need some pick me up

Hi baby, you are fast asleep after crying for hours and after I lost my sleep yet again. I feel like a zombie and I will feel worse in the morning when I have to go to work. I lost my patience and was upset at you for not drinking milk when I know that you are hungry and it showed. Your dad said that I should keep my cool(not in a nice way though) and he is not able to study because I have heated the environment around me. He can be so mean at time that it hurts.
It's been a daily thing that he comments about my food or something. I know I am eating chocolate and it's not good for me. I know he wants me to be healthy. But you know I gave birth to a baby, I am sleeping less than 4 hrs a day and sometimes none, I am pumping for 2 hrs everyday and then fighting with you to feed you and do everything else. I have scars on my stomach and it feels like I am carrying a jelly tire around my waist and I have pain everywhere. Still, I am doing this every day. And when I only get to hear about the fact that I am fat and I should not be eating this or that and never ever a word of encouragement it sucks.

I feel so alone and so incompetent. you expect your partner to be that understanding and loving support. Since you both have been through this journey together you expect that there will be understanding but I guess that's not true. If he doesn't sleep for one day for full night, he is late for office, he will come home in the evening and straightaway go to bed to catch on sleep and he will skip gym. I am doing this from the day you were born and all I get from him is you should not eat this or that. If I tell him all this he will say that I complain and that's all I do. So what I am doing here is venting.
I am a bad mom. I try to force feed you when you refuse to eat even when you are hungry. Ideally I should not force feed you at all (that's what the books say). I feel such a failure. I want to have the heart to not force feed you unless you are absolutely starving yourself. I wish to be better parent, have more patience and feel less hungry (feeling hungry right now :( )