Need some pick me up

Hi baby, you are fast asleep after crying for hours and after I lost my sleep yet again. I feel like a zombie and I will feel worse in the morning when I have to go to work. I lost my patience and was upset at you for not drinking milk when I know that you are hungry and it showed. Your dad said that I should keep my cool(not in a nice way though) and he is not able to study because I have heated the environment around me. He can be so mean at time that it hurts.
It's been a daily thing that he comments about my food or something. I know I am eating chocolate and it's not good for me. I know he wants me to be healthy. But you know I gave birth to a baby, I am sleeping less than 4 hrs a day and sometimes none, I am pumping for 2 hrs everyday and then fighting with you to feed you and do everything else. I have scars on my stomach and it feels like I am carrying a jelly tire around my waist and I have pain everywhere. Still, I am doing this every day. And when I only get to hear about the fact that I am fat and I should not be eating this or that and never ever a word of encouragement it sucks.

I feel so alone and so incompetent. you expect your partner to be that understanding and loving support. Since you both have been through this journey together you expect that there will be understanding but I guess that's not true. If he doesn't sleep for one day for full night, he is late for office, he will come home in the evening and straightaway go to bed to catch on sleep and he will skip gym. I am doing this from the day you were born and all I get from him is you should not eat this or that. If I tell him all this he will say that I complain and that's all I do. So what I am doing here is venting.
I am a bad mom. I try to force feed you when you refuse to eat even when you are hungry. Ideally I should not force feed you at all (that's what the books say). I feel such a failure. I want to have the heart to not force feed you unless you are absolutely starving yourself. I wish to be better parent, have more patience and feel less hungry (feeling hungry right now :( )

Some kids are easy

Some kids are easy and others are not. You fall into the later category. Especially when it comes to eating. When I thought of having a baby, I thought of lot of things but I never thought that feeding you will be such a struggle. It literally is a struggle which is getting stressful day by day.
You were never super interested in eating but just before you were 6 months you started refusing to take milk. Now you are 7.5 months old and it is a struggle everyday to make you eat the minimum required amount. It's not that I am giving you formula or anything. I am exclusively pumping for more than 2 Hrs everyday so that I can feed you breast-milk only. And by the way you don't like formula (I tried feeding you that thinking maybe it's the taste thing and it's not).
Even today, you were hungry but you will not take milk. When I tried to force it into your mouth(sometimes when I do that you will start drinking coz you will be hungry) and you fought hard and I had to give up. What I don't understand is why you won't drink milk even when you are hungry but once you are sleeping you will drink it. Why??? I wish you could tell me because to me it feels like you are tormenting me.
We started solid food after you turned 6 and no luck with that as well. It's hard on me. When I used to see moms running after there kids with plate of food all the time, I used to think that I will not be that kind of mother and now my biggest fear is that I will be that mother whose kid will not eat anything and who will be obsessed with feeding her kid. Only time will tell...

First words

You have started saying mama and it goes more like...mm..mm...mm...mmaa...and followed by couple of shrieks. But today it was a definite Mamma. And the fact that I have not slept since two days and that I am having coffee to survive the sleepiness and that I have leg cramps is all forgotten when I go home and you come crawling towards me, smiling and making funny noises and expecting that I will pick you up and just like that I forget everything when I hug you.

You even said Papa the other day when your dad picked you up 2 weeks back. He kept trying to get you to say it again but you didn't. You are the clever one you know. 

Also, your Naani gives you a massage everyday and says that you are a strong baby (you can already pull yourself up and move around with support) because of her massages. And just so you know I am still nursing you expressed milk and it is hard. It takes a long time for me to pump, sometimes it takes me 45 minutes and my supply seems to be less now. Still I want you to get the best you can so I will keep trying. I am reading this book, super baby food and so far, it's good.

I can say NO

I know babies know ho to say NO. They will cry, turn their head to the other side, make faces but what I didn't know was how persistent, adamant and strong they can be. Just before your 6 months B'day you started refusing to take milk. You were never interested in eating like other kids were but this was new. You will suck on your lips when hungry and will not cry unless you are absolutely starving. Even then it will be a struggle to get you to take the bottle. And mind you, I am still feeding you yummy breast milk so that's not an excuse that you don't like it all of a sudden.

So, couple of days before your 6 months appointment you refused to drink milk when awake. We(Me, your Dad and Naani) cajoled you, try to make you laugh, sing to you, even dance like a monkey and make absolute fool of ourselves so that you open your mouth and we can get you to take a bottle. But what a persistent little baby you were & smart one at that. You will laugh but with your mouth close because you know we'll try to shove the bottle if you open it. You will make sound (talk) but will not open your mouth, you will happily take the pacifier(after making sure it is pacifier and not bottle nipple) but will push the bottle out if we try to sneak the bottle instead of pacifier. You made us worried and me obsessed with how much you are eating, pooping (we are suppose to count wet diaper for the fear of you getting dehydrated), sleeping and feeling. You got your shots at your 6 months visit and you decided to eat even less than before. This got me worried and a day after I try to force feed you, first using sippy cup, then spoon and then medicine dropper. You tried to not eat and fought with me and after one or two ounces of force feeding you vomited everything and even more. I felt so bad for force feeding you because now I was thinking maybe you are actually not feeling good and hence not eating. I decided not to force feed you again and apologized to you. I love you baby and I hope you could tell me whats wrong.One day you will. Anyways, this continued for a week or more. When we will try to give you bottle, you will turn your head, arch your body, push yourself away. I was amazed at the amount of strength you have. Doctor said not to worry and try giving you tylenol every 4 hours. And I was like are you crazy tylenol every four hours when we don't even know whats wrong. Needless to say I didn't give you tylenol. We can only feed you after you have fallen asleep. To date (you are going to be 7 months in few days) we cannot get you to happily drink milk when you are awake (& sometimes you will refuse to drink in your sleep as well) but you have got better and my worries have subsided a little.

Maybe you will never be a plump, chubby little baby but you are far ahead for your age in motor skills. You can already stand and walk around with support. I just hope that you don't grow up to be fussy eater.

To my baby girl

I never knew what being a mom is until I held you in my arms. The doctor placed you on my chest, you lift up your neck and looked into my eyes. I fell in love.

The first thing I noticed about you is your eyes. Big, beautiful, bright and so alert. You were a strong baby. Since the day your were born, you have been a strong little thing. This blog is my attempt to chronicle memories of every little thing that you do. I have a bad memory but I want to remember how you are growing up. I hope I will keep up with this.

Luv always.